rose colored glasses

I just pulled out tomato plants from my garden. It's mid November. It was sunny and I worked with only the sun warming my back. I've waited to pull them out-- keep thinking, well, they could ripen still. It's oddly warm and I'd be so sad to pull a plant if there was still life in it. I decided I'd pull all of them today, and let things ripped off the vine, make fried green tomatoes, and let this amazing fall day sink in while I kiss my summer garden goodnight.

but then, there were tomatoes that were almost ripe. really trying to be red (or yellow, or orange, or purple...). And there were flowers. The plants were still flowering. I did pull most of them, but I left three plants. What's the harm in that?

It served as a reminder, that even in times of resting, dying, changing... there is still growth and hope. This is almost certainly my last tomato pull from the Midden garden. The last time I'll call it mine, I'll bring in tomatoes to share, to cook with in our kitchen. To share with my housemates.

I'm moving out. The exact timeline is yet to be set, but I'm house searching. Finding a place to call my own, for the long haul. A kitchen that I clean, and I messy. A living room where I can dance naked or read a book. Where I can open my home to friends or loved ones in need, without a process or discussion to get a stamp of approval. I home where I will  know who has been invited in, who is roaming around while I try to sleep, who is standing in my living room when I come home from an exhausting day at work, at the hospital, or from therapy. A home that is mine. 

 I've had the intention of shouting about how great this place is, how much i've loved it and it's loved me. About how it provided me stability and warmth during years where I didn't know I needed that if I was ever going to grow. A place that has taught me about others, about living in a city, about ways care does and does not happen, about myself. Recently, i've had an itch to get out and get out fast. Some things, some relationships, have changed and I've felt hurt. Pushed. Gross. Uncomfortable. That's still true, I still feel those things. But I also feel reflective of the good, of the magical, of the loving. Today, I'm wearing rose colored glasses.

      In this home, I've shared my life with others, and they've shared theirs. I've shared money, food, kitchen space, responsibility, roofs, and bills. I've let go of control (and I've been a stickler to keep control). I've met fascinating people traveling through. I've seen extreme closeness and care (and extreme lack of care). I've learned to grow food for others and how to do it reasonably well. I've hosted birthday parties for friends, been part of craft, movie, and game nights. I've made huge pots of food and scrubbed toilets to get ready for potlucks. I've had friends over for quite dinners and super porch coffee in the sun.  I've been moved to tears by musical friends sharing their talent, and I've been forced into a ball of anxiety by it, too. I've learned how to fix things and how to maintain them. I've gone away, and I've come home. I've felt hot tears of despair and uncontrollable gitty excitement. I've had time to grow and learn, to do yoga in the sun, to let shit burn, to accept the patience and love of those around me, to give more then i knew i could give. I've retreated with folks to gather our strength, and I've retreated from them to gain my own. I've been part of political projects, been challenged to dig deeper into my moral compass, and learned lessons from those around me. I've given a peaceful bed to friends from afar and warmly accepted gifts of gratitude. I've gotten creative as I work to create a comfortable and functional home-- making things cute, making sure folks know where to find the rosemary in the garden, what the heck to do with lovage, and how to flush the toilet. I made a quilt and sewed more curtains than I can count (though, actually,  probably could. It's not that many...). I've been inspired by the ways folks live their lives and in shock and awe of it, too.

 In so so many ways, I think I'm ready. But, there will be things I miss, things I regret doing or not doing anymore. I'll miss having long conversations about how folks are over coffee every sunday, I'll miss being able to cook food for others when I can't imagine eating (but want to make food), hearing of the challenges and successes, having more folks to share the burdens of homeownership with, knowing my health is being supported in a financial way by folks around me, seeing the creative process of 'art,' workshops, political projects, and life unroll before my eyes, having an easy ability to leave for long stretches- knowing I'd come home to a secure place (though, perhaps a bit dirtier then i left it).

I can't imagine not caring about this place, this house, this community.
I can imagine caring about if as a cheerleader, off to the side, impacted less directly then the players on the field, but more so than those in the stands. I'm cheering for this place, but I'm also not willing to play the game anymore.

goodnight, midden.

me, me, me, me, me

Enjoying the moment.

When I started this blog, I titled it that because I realized I want that. I want to be able to enjoy the current moment. To let go of what lead up to it and to release the worry about what might come next. More then a reality for me, it's been a goal. A goal that's been really hard to achieve.

In the past year, I've turned a little inward. Ok, maybe a lot inward. I've been doing lots of 'me' work, really focusing on who I am and how I can be my best self. Some days, my head spins with how focused on me i am... i talk about my life as the Molly Shea Show. I even have a theme song (if it's not obvious, it's a way i've come to taking myself with less weight. shit's not easy right now, but i'm also growing into being able to take myself a little less seriously... at least some times). While much of my life has been internally focused, I've also been learning and pushing myself to share with others, to reach out for support, and acknowledge I need that. I've turned to books, friends, therapists (oh so much therapy!), yoga, groups, reflection, listening to music (anyone whos been around me knows Jessica Lea Mayfield and First Aid Kit have been on literal repeat all year. Give those ladies a go, they are magical), and walks. I've thrown books across my room when I decided I didn't want to read it anymore and I've cried while doing dishes at work.
 I've had what felt like weeks where sleeping for more than 3 hours at a time just wasn't possible and days where twelve hours of being in bed felt too short. I've drank ridiculous amounts of coffee and started eating out with friends more often. I've been lucky enough to have an amazing friend teach me to quilt (look at it! are you looking!? I made that!), and have come to refer to my sewing machine as my favorite therapist (sorry to all my 'real' therapists, but ya'll got nothing on that beauty). I have goals about how often i want to do yoga, go for walks off the sidewalk, and see friends. I keep a series of jars by my bed to help me take a moment for gratitude and help seal up thoughts that are keeping me up all night. I have a fucking app on my phone to encourage meditation.


I've delved head first into therapyland, and for the first time am taking on 'self-care' as something real and worth doing. As part of that process, I've also started up a new wave of meaningful work in my life. Or maybe, feeling a need to do that work made me realize I needed to do some of that 'me' work. For the first time in my life, I've picked up work where I have a (direct) dog in the fight. That's by no means to diminish the work i've done and ways i've contributed to other realms of social justice, or to say the fight for environmental justice isn't connected to me. It is, but now, the work I'm doing is much more personal. More direct. Much, much harder (for me).

I've started teaching self-defense with a righteous organization, IMPACT safety. I'm still learning, but have already learned a lot. Working with teenage girls is where it's at for me, it's what I want to do most. All people deserve to be able to protect themselves, but it's that age group that lights a fire in my belly and makes my heart break into tiny little slivers. Working with folks with developmental disabilities has also been a striking reminder of why i stopped working at a day center for adults with development disabilities- the ways that folks who need support, love, and care the most are also the most susceptible to abuse. The ways the world we live in is not ok, where manipulation, power, and control allow for sexual assault to be commonplace. Where one and three girls and one and seven boys are abused before they are 18.

As I delved into IMPACT, I got trained up by the amazing humans of SARNCO (sexual assault response network of central ohio). In the middle of their 40 hour training- about trauma, about PTSD, about societal norms, about oppression, about empathy, about care, about the medical system, about abuse, about support services- i realized i felt deeply called to volunteer with them. Every day, 24 hours a day, there is a human ready to talk to you, to a survivor, to a co-survivor (someone, like a mother, friend, or partner, who is impacted by the abuse of someone they love), to anyone who needs help with sexual assault. Also everyday, 24 hours a day, there is someone ready to show up at a hospital and advocate for a survivor- let them know what the heck is happening, listen to them, watch their children, give them resources. That's about 1,440 hours a month that people are volunteering to support survivors in central ohio, through SARNCO alone (let alone the many other ways people give support). While it is heartwarming to know so many folks do that work and they do it so well, it's also a heartbreaking reminder that work like that is needed, because abuse is so common.

I can't say what will happen next. If i'll keep doing this work, if i'll find something new, if i'll ever make another quilt, if meditation will ever make sense to me. It pains my heart deeply, actually, to not know what tomorrow will feel like. But, some days, I'm able to sit with where i am. Let today sink in, and on rare occasion, even enjoy it.

No.

Sometime last month, or maybe even 2 months ago, I was walking out of a therapy session (more on that-- maybe. but maybe not) and for some reason happened to look at my tire on my front driver side. It was wicked bald and on the inside the wires were starting to pop out. Same thing on my other front tire. With a drive up to Detroit the next day, I wasn't sure they'd last another 24 hours. Literally. My therapy mind quickly jumped to problem solving-- and before too long I was driving up Cleveland Ave looking for a used tire place.

I found one, but it wasn't the one I was looking for. I doubt it would have popped up on google. It was small, dirty-- and open. They had the tires I needed and the price was the same as the bigger googleable shop further down the road. As one of the fellas switched my tires out, I sat watching a world cup match on the oddly nice television-- inside the terribly build addition to the garage- that was now the office. Next to me on the chairs that were once white, three women chatted in a language I didn't understand. They were wearing clothing I couldn't imagine wanting to wear. A young woman (a teenage perhaps) wandered in and out of the door in the office-- seeming both confident and a bit on edge. The shotty addition, the dirty chairs, and the unfamiliar women were honestly part of what made me glad to stop by. The place wasn't comfortable to me- but I appreciated it. 

My tires were replaced, I paid in cash (another thing I liked), and I drove on back home. 

Just the other day, when I finally decided to pay attention to my car, I headed back to that same tire shop to replace the back tire- that somehow had an oddly flat spot on it that thumped every time it rotated. I was glad to see the shop was once again open, but with a little less hustle and bustle. It seemed quiet. As I pulled in, the same mechanic who replaced my tires last time remembered that back tire (which he told me at the time needed replaced). Once again, I waited on the dirty chairs, this time watching the ever disturbing news by myself.

As he came in, I got up to walk out and pay him. But he stopped and sat on the desk in the corner.

Wait a minute...

(pause) mhm?

You Married? 

huh?

You married?

ha- no.

You have a boyfriend?

i've got a partner... do you have a boyfriend?

(pause)

I'm looking for you.

huh?

You. I'm looking for you. 

Oh. uhm, no?

Through his thick accent, I actually couldn't understand him that well. He said something more-- maybe two or three things more... as i lowered my gaze to the ground and slightly shook my head no and backed out of the office. Once I was in the parking lot, I was able to catch myself. I asked how much I owed him, and handed him cash. I felt relieved my keys were in my hand.

I don't know what he was saying- but the answer was no. no. I've never really been afraid of strangers. I know-- deep inside my body as well as from statistics- that men I know are much much more likely to assault me then a stranger. But everything inside of me screamed no, yelled at me to get out. Oddly (or maybe not so oddly...) I could barely shake my head no and back out of the room. It's like I couldn't physically do it. 

It took me... a while... to shake the feeling. To let it go, let it leave and for me to.. rebalance. That's also unusual-- that sorta shit rolls off my back (again with the strangers...) within short moments. But it felt hot and full in it's suffocation. That place where feelings sometimes come from-- some folks call it intuition-- was confident i needed to escape. 

-----------------

Today, several days later- I still have an intense feeling from that interaction. I still don't really understand it. I wonder what role racism played in my reaction, and in what ways i felt more afraid because he wasn't white and because enlglish wasn't his first language. because he was 'other'.

Unfortunately, I suspect racism did tint that-- and created something where those feeling felt... so... big. 

Towards Collective Liberation

Several months ago, I started hearing lots of folks talking about a new collection of essays put together by Chris Crass--- Towards Collective Liberation. It's a book that focuses in on stories and experiences on fighting racism and sexism, while building power.

While the book is interesting upon it's self, the most interesting and exciting part about it was reading it with some friends. About once a month or every section-ish, we'd get together on a video chat and talk about it. To make that even better than it sounds, those friends were EK, Bex, and Cole.

I enjoyed reading it, and more so talking about it-- but I have to say: I didn't love it. More particularly, I wasn't that found of the parts the Crass wrote--- there's something about white guys writing about anti-oppression that feels like... not that great. I did find valuable insight, and we had some interesting discussions, but overall i was underwhelmed by it. I think that's mostly because I had high expectations and that so many folks seems to be saying it was a great book. It was fine, I'd even recommend reading it--- but--- not highly recommend it.

-------
What I Liked About it...

There's one section where Crass talks opening about some of the things he does, in his daily life, that are sexist as all get out. It was actually hard to read ("... i know that my instant reaction is to take men's opinions more seriously... almost never having zoned out on what a gender-privileged man is saying because i was thinking about him sexually... etc. from Going to Places that I'm Scared of, p 124), but i gained a lot of respect from the honesty that was said and laid out. As someone who also (like all people, if i dare say) has thoughts or actions that don't match up with what I want in the world, it feels really compelling to see someone owning that-- not apologizing or explaining-- but owning it and working to make it different.

I loved having space to think about the ways privilege and skill sets intersect with expectations and power consolidation (Food Not Bombs essay, p 78) and the complexity of sharing the skills we do have (Going to Place that Scare Me, p 118). Of course, the ideas of structurlessness came up in many ways, all of which I ate up (and let it feed my righteousness? yes, probably).

Towards the end of the book there was a lot more essays and interview style writings from folks who were not Crass--- and I was more excited and pensive about those sections. It felt less theory based, and more... just how it is. Groups like the Rural Organizing Project blew my mind with how they've moved folks along, ways in which they prioritize collaboration with organizations that focus and acknowledge privilege and oppression, and individual and collective experiences (A struggle for Our Lives, p 204) and later digging in more about how "to hold the complexity, historical knowledge, and pain when people of color we're supporting act out intersecting forms of oppression (p 248). 

I have found myself thinking a lot about a section that talks about the ways we change and feel powerful when we put our bodies on the line. It made me reconsider the ways i look at 'direct action'  in the day of a digital world--- how getting a petition signed can actually create meaningful change in a person, if they do it person to person, face to face. (Leading with our Vision, p 244).

-----------

Good On Ya, at least mostly...

While I wasn't all that into what Crass had to say- or maybe the way he said it- I do really appreciate the book and his writings. I think folks who step up and take leadership to educate others about oppression are great. Sometimes we don't do it right, and we make mistakes, or we say things that make folks uncomfortable (not in a good way), but I can (metaphorically) applaud taking a stance and stepping into that role. If I were to ever meet Crass, I wouldn't say he opened my mind or showed me the way or even represented the struggles of women (since that's the one I have first hand experience with) well-- but I would say thanks. An honest, sincere thanks for writing a book to bring folks along, to share experiences and know-how, and for stepping it up. 

-----------

Take home Message...

reading and talking about challenging ideas with friends is way better for me than reading by myself and leaving it be. 

                          

{sometimes EK and Bex would be in the same place-- which was always notably not ohio}

Friends Rule. 

recognize ---> intervene

Something like a month ago, I went to a workshop lead by Training for Change- called Whites Confronting Racism. It was a 2 and half day workshop held in Philadelphia. A nice bonus of the workshop was two dear friends of mine also attended- Bex and Eli. The three of us share some common experiences (and have a lot of divergent experiences, too)-- since we all worked and lived together doing anti-mtr work in Appalachia. 

I went in thinking I didn't have expectations- and I was totally ready and open for whatever they sent my way. That's somewhat true, I was open and ready for what they had for me, but I also had hopes and expectations. Per usual, those expectations were unrealistic and ungrounded (things like: 'I'll leave the workshop feeling clear about ways I can best utilize myself to fight racism.'). What I got wasn't so clean- but it has been useful and the longer I sit with it, the more I feel the impacts of that weekend seeping into me. 

We set the stage to understand that white supremacy is systematic and large--- it's not just about us. But we do exist within a world that runs its self on the combination of white supremacy and racism, and so we do have a role and a say in the process. And I can choose to act in a way that is in line with my values and works to build the world we want. 

We looked at ways that white folks express racism. There was a list that we spent time working through called "examples of white group-level behavior/privilege' that listed common behaviors people of color experience from whites. There were a lot that I really identified with-- which-- was both unsurprising and a little shocking at the same time. Two that really stood out for me in my life; a tendency to give 'perfectly logical explanations' for racism (rather than acknowledging the systematic patten that any given circumstance fits in) and not listening to feedback, and rather explaining my intentions. 

I also really appreciated an activity designed to help us see our true 'core' selves and find ways to allow who we are to guide our actions. (Which, felt well paired with a lot of the work I've been doing with my coach- Zo. who is great.) We looked at ways our actions,  ways we want folks to see us, and our fears hold us back from being able to... well... be who we are. 

{our actions and sometimes the way we want folks to see us, are just the tip of the iceberg. But there's a lotta stuff going on under the water--- and if we're not intentional, our actions and core self might not match up}

I also found myself really struggling with how the forms of supremacy and oppression we were talking about apply to other oppressed people, too. For me, being a woman felt really present. A lot of what we talked about hit home for me-- but not because of my skin color. In some ways, I'm glad to see the connections--- but I am also weary of 'using' the oppression i feel as a shield to avoid talking about ways i benefit from white supremacy. 

We spent a fair amount of time talking about ways to intervene-- to call out and disrupt the flow of racist bullshit that happens all around us. There was lots of useful things around that, but one that I'm excited to talk about was a role playing activity. That I liked. (I literally can't think of any other role plays that i enjoyed being a participant in- so it's sorta a big deal.) Basically, we talked about something we'd like to do (around racism) and had our partners push us and criticize us--- while the other partner reminded us about who we are at the core. 

I decided I'd ask my housemates if they were willing/interested in being part of a discussion group about whiteness and racism. My biggest self doubt is that I'm not a skilled facilitator in this area and won't be able to guide us to somewhere useful and that folks will feel like I'm wasting their time. Through the role playing activity, I got to realize I had that fear and therefore am able to prevent it from disabling me. 

Several of my housemates have said they'd be into a discussion group, and we're going to start with picking a reading and talking about it. We haven't started yet, and I still feel really concerned I'll do a shitty job, but... we will start. 

When considering my unstated expectations (feeling clear about how to best fight racism), this feels pretty small. and insignificant. and maybe even stupid. with some reality check on myself (and my self doubt) I can see that it is small- but it is worth doing. The next step can be bigger and better, but starting here is real. And without this workshop, I never would have suggested it, and my household probably wouldn't do some of this work together. 

ps: there is another training this may, and i certainly recommend it. I also have a few solid and great resources/reading lists that i'd be happy to share with folks, so let me know if you'd like that. 

Mesoamerica Resiste and the Transpacific Partnership

Over a span of 9 years, folks gathered stories, understood connections, created metaphors, drew images, and then... ta-da! We've got a poster. (simple, easy, just like that! right? uhh. sure...)

Recently, I've been working with a bunch of really smart bees to figure out how to story tell and share the newest graphic: Mesoamerica Resiste (including having the narrative done, if ya haven't had a chance to read it yet it's on the left sidebar of our site). Today, a group of folks have gotten together to build shared analysis and do some planning, which since I'm at home, I admittedly feel jealous of. But also totally stoked and excited that we're doing that. And I'm ready to spend some time doing story sharing over here in Ohio.

As a story teller, this is some of the most exciting and interesting stuff I getta do-- find ways to make sure the stories we share are impactful, meaningful, and ideally- inspire action or movement from folks we're connecting with. Though I don't think we can claim much credit with the timing of MR! being released, it does align in a moment when the Transpacific Partnership (TPP), a trade agreement similar to others like NAFTA, is at a pivotal moment in our country. A moment in which it's possible to stop it.

 The issues addressed with the MR! graphic and the TPP have similarities that are both powerful and devastating. We can look to previous trade agreements and other neoliberal policies to see how history repeats itself. This time, if the TPP passes, it will be bigger and badder than ever before-- as it encompasses 40% of the global economy, making it the largest trade agreement--- ever.

{for more on the TPP, here's a good article to check out--- though I havta say, it's not the 'americans' receive the short end of the stick- it's that people do. We all do.}

On my most recent tour, Kyle and I built upon what we'd (the royal we, not just kyle and i) already developed to incorporate more information and build our stories and analysis to share what we know about the TPP.  After being back here in Ohio, I got to do a workshop with some students from across the country who are doing organizing work against the TPP with United Students for Fair Trade. We delved into a lot of the images on the front of the graphic to explore connection to the TPP, as well as jumped into the center hear stories of resistance.

Through doing this, I not only got to hear some perspective of those I was with, but also had a chance to hear more direct feedback--- and gained a sense of what stuck out to folks and seemed to engage folks the most. These two stories really came to top and look at two different perspectives on why agreements like the TPP are not for or by the people.

On the left side of the poster, there's a double helix highlighting the story of farmer bee. There are many steps that farmer bee takes- from communal farming to displacement that leads to working in a sweatshop in a Free Trade Zone or being forced to emigrate to another country.

In the first few scene, we see farmer bee working and living in a hive- a communal land holding. When the Mexican constitution was enacted after the revolution, it protected communal land and prevented it from being parceled out.

However, as NAFTA pushed forward, the constitution was changed in order to align with free trade policies. Suddenly, those land holding could be broken.

and they were. Here, farmer bee goes to get a loan and a deed, in order to farm her own little plot of land. 

Luckily, she knows a lot about the land and growing food, so she has a really productive season.




However, when she takes her produce to market-- she realized she simply can't compete with global corn prices. The truck from the United States is dumping highly subsidized and industrialized corn into the market scales.


Farmer bee simply can't make a living given global trade. And at the end of the season, she's breaking open her little piggy bank. Despite scrapping it together the best she can, she doesn't have enough to pay back her private loans, and is forced to sell her land-- and emigrate out of the place she's from.

Under the TPP, more communities will loose their autonomy to decide what will best govern their people. NAFTA undermined the hard fought agreement for communal land, and if free trade expands, so will the consequences.

Settled into the front and center of the graphic- there sits a table. It's a celebration-- of 500 years of colonialism-- as industry representatives try to take the biggest piece of the cake as they can. (The cake is shaped like Mesoamerica). While these folks have been pulling the strings of free trade for a long time, under the TPP it's gotten even more extreme. The agreement has over 600 official corporate 'trade advisors,' meanwhile folks in political positions (congress, for example) and folks like you and i- are barred from seeing it. We can't see it, and they get to draft it.

Wait? Who's this agreement for again?

Fortunately, Wikileaks has struck again and has been releasing the very long and complicated documents. Even more fortunate, other folks are reading it and summarizing it for us. So far, we know that despite preventing SOPA from passing last year, it's included within the TPP. One of the most harsh previsions I've seen so far- also falls under the umbrella of 'intellectual property.'

One of the industries sitting around the table above is the pharmaceutical industry (frog mask, dna vessel). Under the TPP, generic medicines will be under threat, as corporations will have more freedom to attach governmental patent regulations that allow for generic medicine to exist. Tons of people rely on the life saving access to cheap (ish) generic medicine. Even AARP (which, ya know, is always standing in line with the radical left on issues- right?) has come out to say the TPP is bad news.

{a photo of kyle- sharing the stories from MR!- in Baltimore at 2640}

Ok- that's some rough news. It's terrifying. It's heartbreaking. It's awful--- but it's real and it's happening AND it can be stopped. I'm really glad to be able to use this fancy drawing to talk about things like this- and real glad to be able to take action.

The first step in this fight, is to prevent the Fast Track legislation from moving forward-- and preventing Obama (who loves free trade and the TPP) from being able to unilaterally pass trade agreements.

Expose the TPP has a whole slew of ideas on how to put in wrench in this whole charade. Everything from hosting a teach in, calling your rep, bird dogging, and pulling together a rally.

you, me, and the CLT

First things first: I happen to know some seriously amazing people. Some of whom have been getting a Community Land Trust off the ground in the bottoms: a neighborhood in Columbus which is being set up for major gentrification. The baseline idea here is that by creating a land trust, folks who currently live there and want to live there, can keep living there rather then be forced out by higher rents, over policing (with potential 'programs' like Eliminate the Elements, which we have here in Weiland Park, for example), and cultural white washing.

I recently had the opportunity to help facilitate a short weekend retreat to help this group move towards decision making and planning. I'm really excited I had an opportunity to contribute to the work they are doing and to use my skill set to create social change.

As with many consensus oriented groups, moving beyond discussion and into decisions and action can be daunting. My biggest role was sitting back and waiting for when discussion had moved us to where we needed to be, and where making proposals was the next step. It's easier to see this dynamic from the outside (rather then by a member of an organization), and I think I helped add clarity to what needs to happen next.

{we stayed in a CLT members family cabin in SE ohio- which was so lovely. The 'backyard' is Wayne national forest. beautiful place to get away and concentrate}

On a meta level, many folks in the group were feeling anxiety about the CLT as a project that would fight gentrification. It seemed people were having a hard time sorting out if and how this will prevent displacement for folks in that neighborhood and what ways it could contribute to it.

Sitting in a circle in a nice open grassy field, we started mapping out the fears and excitement folks had around the project, and ways it would reach the goals of the group. Relying on their mission statement and stated goals as a background for understanding, we built a fairly loose mind map (a go to in my book) that plotted out where folks were at. This provided structure for folks to say the things they have had on their mind and allowed for new ideas to pop up as things were said.

{Community Land Trust Mission}
To meet the basic need and combat displacement in the Bottoms through resident-controlled, permanently affordable housing.

This did not get the group to a place to make a decision, but it did help lay the foundation for folks to realize they were on the same page and that the group does know what its doing and why its doing it. The many hours of meeting, sharing, and thinking that came next (which, was delightfully broken up by meals, campfires, and some hiking) were stronger and more cohesive then they would have been if we started with 'logistical' agenda items from the get go.

After the retreat was over, many folks asked how I thought it went. My answer was more or less the same every time, How did you think it went? If it went well for folks in the CLT, then it went well for me. If folks make proposals based on our discussion and follow up on the lists and ideas we developed, then it went even better.

{ps: mattie particularly encouraged me to write about this as a way to reflect. I'm glad he suggested it, and glad i followed through. You can see his blog about life, facilitation, and more here}

wanna crush?

My life has changes a whole lot since i started this blog. Looking back at my first post, I'm reminded of why I started it. I started it to share my life with the people who I don't get to see every day. I started it to remind myself that today, this day, this moment, is worth enjoying. I started it to up the ante on being adventurous, and redefine that to include the day to day.

In the past couple years, my life has expanded and stretched far beyond what I could have imagined sitting in my kitchen, on the cold winter day that I started this blog. It has been more adventurous- and my life has kept me on my toes, if nothing else. But today, it's a little calmer. I'm not racing around the country as fast as I can or living in the mountains working with some of the most badass folks I know, or... wait.

Lets start that again. Today, my life continues to be full of adventures.

Enter: life in columbus!

I can't possibly capture what my life looks like- not really. and if i did, it would probably seem boring and more like a to-do list than a celebration (if i'm not careful, it can feel like a to-do list...). But, I am finding my life filled with awe inspiring people, change making work, bread baking (and money makin'), collective house livin', and more.

One project I'm feeling mega excited about these days- is the Columbus Capital Crushers! We're a group of radical cheerleaders. That's right. We're cheerleaders. We're taking the anti-gloabalization movement of the early 2000's as a catalyst- and borrowing words, moves, and general inspiration from folks like the Boston Sass Attack, Syracuse System Shakers, and the Rowdy Racoons. We're basically here to raise a ruckus.

{Spitting a mean game and riling folks up at the Summer Recess event last month!}

We wanna add spunk and pep to radical events and rallies we like, and we wanna up the ante on ones we think are alright. We wanna push back against things we don't like, and we wanna have lots of fun and be creative. All at the same time. We've been writing cheers, making moves, and altering existing routines to suite ourselves.

{I feel confident we have the best meetings- ever. Seriously, we played on a slip and slide during one of our meetings during the Summer Recess event. It ruled.}

We've got a pretty diverse set of cheers, and its building! One of my favorites (as an indebted person, no doubt) is Lets Talk about Debt. Think about it to the tune of Lets Talk about Sex.

So whaddya say? Wanna talk about Debt!?

Lets talk about Debt, Baby

Let's talk about you and me

Lets talk about all the money

Banks are Stealing

Happily

Lets talk about Debt!

Let's talk about Debt!

We've done a couple events so far, and are looking forward to doing more. We did the Doo-Dah parade (check out some photos here, here, and here!), We Won't go back Rally, and an upcoming Planned Parenthood fundraiser.

{gettin' fierce at our first performance- the Doo Dah Parade}

If you wanna crush with us, give us a call - (614)526-TEAM (or talk to me, of course)

...and then i came home (again)

Since January 8th, I've left home- for cross state travel- 4 times. Once for the trip with mattie, once for beehive meetings in michigan, once for the Extreme Energy Extraction summit in NY, and lastly to got the the Forward on Climate rally in DC with my mama. January and February have not been a slow down from 2012...

first there was The Trip!

Heres what happened- physically.

• leave columbus...
• paducah, ky (ohio and tn meet)
• cairo, il (ohio and mississippi meet)
• aurora, co (+dever; matties mom))
• montezuma, co (agent!)
• grand junction, co (matties grandfather)
• mesa verde national park, co
• the four corners (sorta...)
• houston, tx (matties dad)
• new orleans, la (matties brother + erin) 
• tuscaloosa, al (matties sister)
• back to columbus! 

We traveled 4,500 miles and took 19 days. Visited family, friends, and some lovely places along the way. Overall- it was a really nice trip that gave lots of space for slowing down and thinking things over. I had set the intention- with Beths help- to spend 15 min every day doing a visioning exercise to help guide me through what I want. I never quite got it to work for me, but I did spend time every day (almost, i skipped a few) thinking and reflecting and eventually scheming. 

I've decided I'm living here in Ohio! YES! I'm committed to being here for 2 years, with a broader intention of 3 years. In January 2015, I'll tak time to evaluate and make changes I want. For the record, I'm not glued here until then- if something happens that makes me want to leave/go somewhere else, then we'll cross the bridge when i get there. I'm really excited to be able to reconnect some roots I have here and grow new ones. I like being in Ohio... 

(ps: mattie made a blog post about the trip! He- unlike myself- actually has some photos)

Four days latter after getting back from the trip...
I left for Grand Rapids Michigan for Beehive Meetings!

Our meetings were a few days long, as we all snuggled up together in Pats studio, as winter blazed on outside the big glass windows. We found ways- with the extreme help from our 2 outside facilitators, dana and mattie- to update each other about what we were doing and explore the arch of where we might want to go. We did some fun activities, like making a timeline of the beehive, to help us all feel caught up and connected.

{thanks for the meeting photos Mandy! Esp since my camera broke, and I couldn't take any. ahck, bummer}

The biggest most delightful thing that happened during our meetings, is we had most of a day to sit around the Mesoamerica graphic (99% done! SO CLOSE) and do some story sharing and problem solving together. Plus! we had a chance to show off the original to some folks in Grand Rapids at a really fun gallery style event (photos to come? thats the rumor)

{story sharing- can't wait to tell ya'll more about it! In person of course, cause thats just how we do}

While our meetings didn't end with some epic decision or concrete outcome, they were generally pleasant. Folks felt present and I feel like we began to move forward. I feel optimistic about the ways we can move our work in a good direction and solidify things that need more work. 

{plus- i gotta have hang out time with some friends, and catch up}

Two days after getting back from those meetings...

I left to go to Kingston, NY for the first Extreme Energy Extraction Summit

The event was intended to bring folks together who are impacted by different forms extraction (oil in the gulf, uranium and coal in the west, natural gas all over, coal in appalachia... etc) to see if there are ways we can coordinate better and create a movement amongst all forms of extreme extraction, instead of seeing these things as separate 'issues.' Basically: trying to build power so we can more successful protect our communities (locally and globally).

There are lots of things I felt frustrated about during the summit, including a lack of agreed upon outcomes. I found myself feeling frustrated and unsure how to proceed given that there were more 'non frontline' people in the room that frontline folks (including myself, who isn't really on the frontlines). Those large obstacles being the case, there are things I really valued about it. 

As with most summits, I most valued getting a chance to meet folks and hear their experiences. I particularly appreciated hearing more about Idle No More - an upsurge of folks declaring they won't stand by anymore thats been set and guided by indigenous communities. I liked reconnecting and meeting new folks who are working on anti-fracking things in PA, esp some people working with the Mountain Watershed Association. I really appreciated the energy and work that was brought by folks working in Houston, TX with T.E.J.A.S. It was great to hear about the structure Peaceful Uprising uses to organize themselves, and hear from a solidarity activist working closely with the 1st nations Aamjiwnaang (in candada).  I loved seeing friends from Alaska again, as well as seeing so many friends living Appalachia. And all the small conversations I heard and took part in- I really value all the folks who were in the room, and appreciate the work thats happened to make it possible.

{look at this lovely drawing from the event some beehive folks made!}

I'm looking forward to see what happens from the many small working groups that were put together- and am optimistic about the summer meet up thats currently being planned and the ways in which what happened in NY can be built upon and grow. It's pretty easy to feel frustrated and unproductive when trying to create large shifts, and i'm constantly reminding myself it takes time. and a lot of work. 

And then I cam home (again) and was here for 6 days before...

i got on a bus and headed to DC for the Forward on Climate rally with my mama. 

We spent 17 hours on a bus and about 9 hours in DC. Good odds right there. Two buses full of people from columbus met busses from 29 other states and 40,000 people at the Washington Monument to stand up against the Keystone XL pipeline and encourage the Obama administration to block it from being built, and to take a strong stance on Climate Change.

In addition to the thousands of strangers, i had a chance to see a bunch of friends! I marched along with other folks fighting MTR coal mining and got a chance to catch up with them, met my friend Sonia briefly, and got to have a nice little dinner with Becks, Katie, and Michelle. Then back to the bus we went.

Quick and Lovely.

I'm glad so many folks showed up and look forward to the administration turning down that damned pipeline...

and now, i'm home. again. 

my favorite things

Finn: molly- what are your favorite things?

      me: One of my favorite things is dancing.

Finn: What about coloring?

      me: One of my favoriate things is coloring.

Finn: What about drawing?

      me: One of my favorite things in drawing.

Finn: What about visiting us?

      me: One of my very favorite things in the whole world is visiting you?

Finn: What about staying over in our treehouse? (which, isn't built yet, for the record)

     me: I bet that will be one of my very favorite things. 

baby's first

I'm currently on the road, in Denver specifically, taking some time away with my sweetie and using this time to help guide the choices i'll make for the next couple years.

Before i left ohio for this long stretch of road, i had a to-do list. Things like- scrap my car, create financial records doc for 2013, make a buncha pasta for 'thanks for hosting us' gifts, finalize my role in beehive meetings planning, get a few things in the mail, (etc) and... start/finish a mural for my aunt.

I can't say i got to everything on my list (like 'get ready to file taxes' that part... not so much), but i did make a mural. My very first one. baby's first mural. awwww.

step 1: smooth out the wall using a mortar finish.
lesson number one: i wouldn't do this again, at least not on a wall that was smooth-ish. took a lot of time, is fairly expensive, and i feel confident i didn't do it well. whomp.

step 2: prime it!

step 3: project it on the wall (i made a rough outline using photoshop)

{thanks for the photo mattie}

step 4: paint the base colors! 

{mattie helped me do a bunch of work on the mural- we spent a good chunk of a day working on it together.}

lesson number two: find someone really delightful to spend time with and ask them to help! murals can actually be kinda boring- and take a long time (this one, which is pretty basic, took over 30 hours of work). in lieu of that, bring some music, radio stories, speeches, and interviews for the listening to.

step 5: paint in the big details 

lesson number three: choose your paint colors strategically and really plan it out before you start painting. i was using a lot of old paint, so that largely dictated the color schemes, but i wish i planned the greens better. it turned out fine but took a lot of re-paining and color mixing

step 6: project or sketch on the details (or, in this case, some combo of both) 

step 7: paint 'em in!

lesson number four: buy nice paint brushes. the cheap ones make it really hard to do detail work. so hard that i may go back and paint over some things (like the bees) and re-paint them with a better tool. Plus, cheap brushes loose their hairs and they get stuck in your paint. plus! its just not worth it. get decent brushes.

step 8: clean up the room, and take a photo! 

{ta-da! the finished mural. like i said, i may edit it later... but... its mostly finished. finished for now at the least}

lesson number five: if you want to incorporate chalk paint into your mural, because that would be super rad, then you really do need a smooth surface to begin with. Not a 'more smooth than it was' or a 'sorta smooth' or even a 'more or less smooth' surface. a smooth one. Chalk just doesn't wipe off easily if its all bumpy. Which is why i used a stark black in this mural for the sky, river, and tree hole- so kids could chalk on it. I think I'll repaint the river. You can see the quick fish i drew on, and then tried to rub off- it didn't work. poop!

not a lesson, but a cool tip: don't buy chalk paint. its expensive and... expensive. you can make it yourself! (1 gal of matte finish paint: 1 c concrete mix. bam! chalkboard paint!) i know it didn't work out this time, but i've seen it work our great in other places

{i think the bear may be the best part. i feel pretty proud of her. and yes, i did fix that drip i just didn't take a photo of it after}

yup, i made a mural!

a mouse in the kitchen

In many respects, I see January 1 as a random day to call a 'new year' and actually value the winter solstice (Dec 21, this past year) as the new year. None the less,  Dec 31 being broadly deemed the 'end' and January 1 the 'beginning' ends up being the way i do things. Mostly. ish.

This afternoon, after waking up much later in the day than I had intended (ahem- hence the afternoon), I found myself eating 'breakfast' by the fire at the midden (matties household), listening in on the hubbub of the house. Which included Wes coming downstairs after she'd spent some time thinking and reflecting on her year, and sharing some thoughts about it. It was really nice to hear what she was thinking and start thinking about my year, too.

All December, I have been a little shocked over how quick and slyly the time has passed by. With so many big markers in Dec (like christmas and new years eve), the time seems to slip. Unnoticed. Like a mouse in the kitchen... you normally don't know it's there until it runs under your feet and takes you by surprise. Turns out, the whole year has sorta been that way, not just December.

I've now been living in central Ohio for a full year. A FULL YEAR. My primary goal for the year, the one that my life revolved around, was makin' money. I started off my year doing that pretty well, working at a day center for special needs adults. By early spring, I'd gotten some sorta cabin fever and knew I had to go. Alas, a job change (less lucrative, but hey- even with that being my primary goal- it wasn't my only goal): landscaping. Mostly, I've been enjoying my new found job, being outside, getting dirty, using my body as a tool, spending time with my family (ohh family businesses), and saving up some money.

I also did some contracted work with the Alliance for Appalachia, helping with internal and external communications  Most visibly, I did a lot of updating on their website. I also got the chance to go to two quarterly in-person meetings; one at the Natural Tunnel State Park (VA) and one at Hawks Nest State Park (WV); which was great because I got to listen to a bunch of really smart folks talk about how to stop MTR. I really enjoyed the work, particularly working with my friend (and Alliance coordinator) Katey but, it also showed me I'm not ready to do computer based organizing work. At least not right now.

{Media and Messaging session during an Alliance Steering Retreat}

I've been involved in the planning of a Community Rights Based local resolutions, to enable communities to say 'no' to toxic crap, like fracking. It's been a great experience and has had some concrete wins. Hell yeah! I have continued my participation as a board member with the Ohio Alliance for People and the Environment; attending a Democracy School training, connecting with lots of anti-fracking folks in Ohio, including co-starting what  is a fairly defunct group in columbus; did some work during the Don't Frack Ohio event, helped plan (but could not actually attend) a community organizing focused  anti-fracking meet-up in Lancaster, PA (and really enjoyed working on that, because I gotta work with some wonderful friends who I don't work with often these days. Well- who i didn't, maybe we've turned a new leaf and can continue working together. dreamy!).

{the Don't Frack Ohio contengent during the Pride Parade in columbus}

I did a fair amount of beehive travel this past year. I did a week+ long tour in Appalachia this spring; Lancaster, PA (no presentation; meeting up with tour partner + friends), Gettysburg College, WVU, and the Appalachian Studies Association meet up in Indiana, PA.  Only a few stops, but an action packed tour.

{Gettysburg College, a packed house for a preview of MesoAmerica Resiste, the newest SO soon to be done beehive presentation, that Tyler and I later worked on the story telling a whole bunch... its getting good ya'll!}

I did some small events in Ohio, like at Kenyon College and the UU church in Bellville, and at least one Mountain Justice camp (including helping plan the Spring Break)

{I also headed west, way west, to Alaska for a 2 week tour- heres a big ol' blog post about it!}

And lastly, I took 5 weeks off work this fall to tour with Tyler. On that tour, we were joined by our friends Ugg (for about 2-3 weeks) and at the end with Kate (a friend of mine from columbus who is now beehive presentation ready! yeah!). We went... everywhere. Or close to it anyway.

Washington DC; Harrisonburg, VA; Hamden-Sydney, VA; Williamsburg, VA; Richmond, VA; super fun non-work trip to the outterbanks (SO amazing!); Raleigh, NC; Chapel Hill, NC;  Charlotte, NC, Ashville, NC; Appalachia (town of), VA; WV (for Larry's memorial service; non work); Cincinnati, OH; Indianapolis, IN; Urbana, IL; Beloit, WI; Ripon, WI; Appleton, WI; Greenbay, WI; Egg Harbor, WI ; and lastly ending up in Lincoln, NE for a week long residency.

{helping cute little girls see the colonizing birds a little closer, in indianapolis}

{we presented in a greenhouse in Ashville, NC}

{tyler looking sassy as we crossed a river in WI on a ferry. Goshdarn it WI! you're so charming, with your ferries and all}

{after school program in Beloit; WI-- as promised, after they did some story telling we bounced a ball}

{mural making in Lincoln NE, based on beehive Black Fly Ball graphics. cute!}

All together- I estimate I did about 40 presentations this year. My count for number of people I've told about MTR since Larry passed away: 213. I've got 387 more people to tell before next fall. (if i had to guess, i'd say i talked with about 500 people on tour about it- but alas: i made that commitment towards the end of tour.)

Which, of course, that commitment allows me to remember Larry Gibson, who we lost this year. I didn't see Larry that often, so it's not that I 'miss' him on the regular... but knowing he's not out there, makes my heart hurt. Less so though, because i know damn well folks are carrying on and doing their damnedest to finish what Larry (and others) started.

-------------------------

Not only did I move out of my moms house, but so did my mom. Childhood home, is gone. Well, of course it's not gone, but someone else lives there. Not me, not my family. It's still pretty weird, but mostly it's nice. My mama gets to move into a town (a real town! with a grocery, a swimming hole, a library!) closer to my siblings (the siblings that are grounded in the world and she can count on), and someone who really does love that house gets to live in it.

{last family gathering at my mamas house. so sentimental}

I've been living in a cute little apartment in Hilltop (west side of columbus). When you enter this neighborhood from the East/West, you see a huge block letter sign that reads "welcome to the HILLTOP, USA" I really love that. The neighborhood is pretty diverse racially and socially, with lower-middle income folks. I don't really know many folks, and haven't made a point to (since this isn't long term).  I live with two people, Laura and George, and for a little while had also lived with my friend Ben. I've decided that regardless of where I decide to live come February, I will be looking for a new place.

        {Laura, my kitchen, and George}

I said good-bye to my little green mazda (irony: i had put it up for sale on craigslist and then totalled it 2 days later. nobody was hurt, just the car) and hello to my new ford focus.

{2 days before i totalled it: was the first time it was cleaned since i've had it. literally.}

I found myself becoming the family photographer. I took photos of the boys for mothers day, of my brother-in-laws sisters kids; of a family gathering; and of my brother-in-laws brother and his soon to be wife.

                       

{annamarie's babies}

{all the cousins! in one photo- for what i think is the first time}

              

{family time}

{engagement photos} 

I read some pretty great books, but am certain I read more than I can recall right now; Solar Storm, Like Water for Chocolate, The Help,  La Lacuna, Poisoned Bible;  I've got the light of freedom; The particular sadness of Lemon Cake, and The Color Purple. Mattie and I read (together) Parable of the Talents and The Year of the Flood. I'd recommend all of them, even highly recommend most. I'm sure I read a bunch of zines, too,  but alas- i forget which ones.  Theres also a handful of books I started, and decided not to finish, as well as a pile next to my bed that I am currently reading.

I've also deepened my love for being in a kitchen, and having adventures there. Namely bread baking, but with the recent acquisition of a pasta machine, i think that can get added to my list of loves.

{this isn't my kitchen, but my aunts- for my trial at sourdough bread. a trial that needs more trying}

Of course I had many little adventures along the way: martial arts, trying to screen print (still trying!), crocheting, mural making, time with mattie, contra dancing, friend visiting, family time all the time,  snowman making, sledding, snow ball fighting (we have SNOW in ohio this year! YES!), love letter writing (and receiving  yes!), occasional movie watching (highlights: Django and Melancholia, though that may have been in 2011), sewing projects,  bread making (oh did i already mention that? well... i just love it), pot luck attending, UU church going, baby sitting, some serious financial planning/budgeting (thats new for me!)... and of course a bunch of other things that have slipped by, maybe unremembered (at least right now).

{french braiding eli's hair... duh}

{Hello first snow fall in Ohio and hello snow man! with a pepper nose and rock eyes. and two very endearing little boys}

{snowball fiiiiggght! on the mound over on grant st}

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whats next? in just a few days, i'll be heading out on a trip with mattie- bopping all over the place visiting his family, stopping at some 'destinations,' and taking time to reflect on what has been and decide what will be. To help me with the latter part of that, mattie got me a great solstice gift: 2 sessions with Beth Raps of Raising Clarity ("to cultivate abundance in noble causes, people and organizations") I'm really, really looking forward to the trip and the time to gather some thoughts.

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on a random, weird, little end note: when you look at the backend of a blog (by logging in and owning the account), you can see the traffic sources etc. One set tell you the 'key word/phrases' people searched and eneded up on your blog. Someone searched:

"molly shea we ruined the world"

and they landed here. hahaha. what?