Year of the Meniscus

In mid-December I was in Faber, VA. I had taken an pre-meeting walk to get ready for the day, and found myself laying by a river watching the water pour down and over some rocks. Not that this was a particularly new sight, but I really noticed something... the way the water sticks together. It's surface tension holds itself together, creating a sense of cohesiveness, to spite it's liquid state that makes me think it shouldn't be able to do that. It should fall apart, separate, spill... it should be chaos.

What am I talking about? well, do ya'll remember being in science class (cira 3rd grade, maybe) and learning about the meniscus?

{thanks for the image, wikki}

It's the specific curve created when you over fill a glass of water, but it doesn't spill out. This act is a fine line, just a drop too much and--- chaos!! there is water dripping over the edge and you've gotten the counter all wet (the horror). So, now that we're on the same page of the science behind my statement (err, are we?)- I'll elaborate.

This year, was the year of the Meniscus.

This year, was more packed than I ever imagined it could be. My glass was filled- past the top. But just barely, because I'm pretty sure it didn't turn into chaos (at least not the bad kind). I'm also pretty sure, that if anything more happened in 2011, chaos would be had. Or, at least I would have spent (more) time huddled in the fetal position thinking there was NO WAY i'd be able to do this. Whatever 'this' is...

I did a lot of moving around...

• I lived in Rock Creek, WV (Jan-July), Machias, Maine (July-Sept), in a truck- midwest style-(Sept-Nov), and in central Ohio (Dec)!

that- is a lot of places to live, a lot of beds to sleep in, a lot of kitchens to feed people in, and a lot of places to consider home- some for the long haul, and some of them with the understanding that a sense of home is short lived there.

In that time, I've (under failry strict meaning of the word) considered myself to have 22 housemates. WAY more if you consider folks who often stayed in a house i lived in, tented in a yard i lived in, or spent more than a week living together (say Blair Mountain).

• Spent time in 19 US states (Ohio, Maine, WV, VA, New York, PA, Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, Kentucky, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Minnesota, Washington DC, North Carolina, TN... at the least. I just can't fully recall...

• I went to Canada 3 times

Which, prior to 2011, I had been out of the country 0 times. I went once for an anti- fracking protest in New Brunswick, and crossed the border 2ce on fall tour.

I had the boarder patrol read my diary, and had the fear of god put into me (and probably for Nikki and Tyler, too) when a boarder patrol-er came from around the counter towards us, snapping on a rubber glove and asked 'which one of you had to go to the bathroom?'

Ah! none of us. not us, no sir, no way. I totally thought we were getting searched, like, really searched (we weren't)

I did a lot of work, or things I call work, or think of as work, most of the time, or at least some of the time...

• WV based work...
• programming co-coordinating for the March on Blair Mountain, with the amazing Becks, where we planned, scratched, replanned, canceled, planned again and mostly implemented the non-logistical schedule for the March on Blair Mountain (like evening speakers and musicians and the rally schedule and line up)
• I worked on the media team- mostly pre-march- and got practice in doing outreach in new and exciting ways, with a amazing and talented group of people (did you see the media that came outta the march!?! it was SO good!)
• I did door-to-door outreach in southern WV for the march. Both exciting and (at the time) scary.
• At CRMW I worked in small and large ways to revamp the Volunteer process- as the (what ended up being short term) volunteer coordinator
• I helped plan the programming for Mountain Justice Summer camp, and also did some work in with the group as a whole (like helping to facilitate)

• Beehive...
• Did over 60 beehive presentations- mostly the True Cost of Coal
• Work party- i helped host and run a month long marathon workparty for... so many people. i actually don't have a number, but not including the ball, i'd say over 100 came through for at least a while. a steady 60 people.
• facilitated the baking of hundreds of baked good for the bfb
• helped host, organize, and throw a 1000+ person dance party (blackfly ball)
• successful wrote and received my first grant- from NEST- for bringing a Klezmer band to the bfb
• Beehive Meetings- I did the most intensive, aggravating, and skill pushing agenda setting, planning, and facilitating thus far in my life during the january beehive meetings; played a similar (but more minor) role for our May meetings; and was in another intense (in a different way) set of 2 week meetings this Dec. We met a lot.
• i went on a mini research trip on fracking- in the Pittsburgh area. Where I learned a lot, and really began to question if i have the option of not living in ohio (i later decided, no. not really)

• other things...
• I was elected to the Ohio Alliance for People and the Environment (OAPE) board, and have begun doing work with them.
• sent 2 million and 3 emails (thats a joke. mostly)

I also had a personal life... (a what?) like things i don't consider 'work'...

• 2 new babies were born in my family! i'm the aunt of 5! holy shit!
• Started dating someone- who is really amazing.
• some ohio friends came ALL the way to maine to see me- holy smokes- that's so great!
• i got to dance over bad little falls and experience the magic of celebration (bfb)
• traded vehicles, and now have a car that- for now- runs smoothly.
• made new amazing friends from all over the county- and feel incredibly lucky and blessed to know so many folks who i love and care about.
• i screen printed something! me! i did that (and will continue to, i think)
• made a zine for my nephews- and shared it in a public way
• actually started to learn the banjo- then forgot and will re-learn in 2012
• i made 13 blog posts (many of which, have more details about the things listed on here...)
• my aunt and uncle moved to central ohio- win!
• my grandmother moved away from central ohio- not win.
• mama went to dc to stop the xl pipeline (ok, i didn't have anything to do with it, but it's just SO dang cool!)
• i read some great books:

The God of Small Things (Arundhati Roy), Bossypants (tina fey), Prodigal Summer (barbara Kingsolver), Girl with the dragon tattoo (0% recommended), The Dispossesed (ursula k le guin), Percepolis: the story of a childhood (again; marjane satrapi) Parable of the Sower (octavia butler), Flood! (Erik Drooker), sister outsider (audre lorde), Blankets (Craig Thompson), Kindred (Octavia Butler), Off the Map (crimethInc), The Red Tent (Anita Diamant), the Gnome Lexicon (illustrated by my friend, nate!), and read lots of zines.

• i finally filled the journal i've been writting in since early hs- the first date being '4/23/06 3:02 am' the last being '9/9/2011' Actually, there are about 20 blank pages, but I wanted to start a new one so i could bring a smaller book to journal in on tour-- which i did- and successfully made a entry EVERYDAY of tour. wham!

Looking back through my old journal, i found a page, where i am struggling with the 'why bother?'-ness of the world. I actually wrote, that i wanted 'a cause to believe in, a reason to be here...' (3/9/07) During that time in my life, I wouldn't say I was happy. These days, I continue to struggle, much of which is a similar internal debate about life and what I will do with it. But the tone is different, and at the beginning of this year, i made another entry (1/19/2011, NYC), where I spoke to the struggles in my life, but how i was happy. Actually happy.

Today, that remains true.

• I went to my first church serivce (that is not a UU- which, I enjoy and doesn't quiet seem to fit into the category of church, in some ways) It was the United Church of Christ in Machias... I went to hear my inspiring friend Cole speak at the service that day.
• I found out my mother is planning to sell the house I grew up in. Smart, and sad.
• I have lots of new music to enjoy and listen to. According to my Itunes, the most listened to music that I added in 2011 is: Thao and Mirah (self titled), Jessica Lea Mayfield (tell me); Big Tree (self titled). Itunes says I listened to 2,614 songs in 2011, and my most listened to song? Wild Young Hearts by the Noisettes. (Though, I'm pretty sure that is an inaccurate read of what I actually listen to...)
• 117 horizontal drilling permits granted in ohio (ok- that isn't really my list of things that i did... but... fuck.)

Looking back through my journal entries from the past year, and generally thinking about 2011, I think I learned one really important thing for myself. I have- on a fundamental level- accepted that my life is a choice. I am the only one who gets to choose what I do, how I do it, when I do it. (of course, there are exceptions to this, and in my opinion, saying there are not is a major act of privilege. for most things in my life, i have that privilege). While I have personally debated this for myself, for much of the year (and probably more), I really had it driven home by a conflict mediator who worked with us this Dec.

This is my life, and I get to choose what to do with it. Everyday, every moment.

It's like having access to a compass rose. I can see where I am, and see whats around me. I get to make the choice where I move, and accept the consequences of that choice, both the foreseen and the unforeseen.

As for what 2012 will bring, I just don't know, but I know I get to decide. I intend to be in Ohio- to live here. Work here, take care of myself and those i love here. At least 6 months. I am having a hard time making a plan for myself, but am picking up a habit i used to be in- creating a wish list for the winter. A list of things I would like to hold myself to, a way to commit to myself (and others) to being more interested, interesting, and having more fun. Here's what I've got- for Jan, Feb, and March.

- ohio rocks presentation

- one book a month

- martial arts once/week

- bread 2x a month (and give one loaf to someone else!)

- love letter to non-here friend 1x month

- stretch 5x a week

- go to one 'new' event a month

- screen print something!

- uphold my commitment made to myself in a PSU workshop

- don't accidentally watch tv

- research organizations in central ohio i can do support work with, that actively fight racism (directly or indirectly)

So, here goes!

Jasper Beach

They last day Caleb and Ben were around, we went to Jasper Beach which is just about 10 miles away from the Grange. The drive was really pretty and you could see fishing boats out in different bays, and you really saw how big of a difference the tides being out made. It looks sort of like a sandy beach, but it's not sand, it's mud. They car ride was really hilly and both Erin and I felt a little car sick, plus I was driving a stick shift which always makes me nervous.


(Ben and Erin hanging out on the rocky shore of Jasper Beach. Seaweed Head.)

It was a really beautiful day though, and when we got there we walked across thousands of rocks- from the size of my fist to almost sand- which is what makes up the beach. One of my favorite noises is when the waves crash in, and then pull the rocks back. I might have already said that, but I really like it. We all took off our shoes and waded in, but it was so cold I didn't go further than my calves and I still didn't last very long.


(Ben went swimming, even though the water is so cold it kind of hurts)


(Erin and Caleb skipping rocks and hanging out and such)

On the way back, we went around to the Take Out place here. On our way, we got pulled over. Apparently you can't have someone riding in the back of a truck in Maine... who knew? (not me). The cop rolled up and kept eyeing Caleb (who was hanging out oblivious to the fact that his sitting choice was why we were pulled over).

Cop: (hand on gun, being irritated as we search for the registation and can only seem to find unpaid parking tickets)
Erin: I can't find the registration.
Me: uhh
Cop: (standing with hand on gun)
Erin: (searching, searching, calling Kbar, no answer, an answer...)
I need Kbar, emergency, emergency! (lost call)
Erin: I don't know...
Cop: let me run your license...
(comes back, hand still on gun)
You know it's youre responsibility as the driver. You would get a ticket, not him. And you need to know where the registration is before you borrow your friends truck... condescending... condescending... i'm a dude... and i'm a cop... and you're a girl... and you're friend is black... and i'm a dude cop.
Me: we won't do it again officer...

Anyway, then we get to take out. It's the best take out ever, and the place is painted with red, white, and blue stripes and there are american flags all over the place, but there are also a bunch of pride flags. it seems delightfully ironic to me. the food is good, they have really great sweet potato fries, and HUGE portions of ice cream. My favorite so far has been blueberry, I think they add blueberries to it themselves but I'm not sure. It's really good. Everyone else really loves the Haddock Burger- which is a local fish.


(Take Out, from about a week or so before the Jasper beach trip)

and then we went home, and got back to work (yippie!)

books

i was recently asked to come up with a book list for a friend. so here is what i have:


lost mountain by eric reese
a nonfiction account of the life and death of a mountain. it starts with a mountain who has just been permitted for MTR mining and follows it through that process- to its death. It also has some great naratives about folks living with that mountain. this book is why i care about mtr if that tells you anything.



assatta by assatta shakur
an insanely amazing book about assata shakur- who was a black revolutionary and was involved with the black panthers. it is one of those books that makes you question everything you ever read in a history text book and really opens the door to black struggles, especially within the 'justice system.' it's really accessible and easy to read, it's written like someone talking to you, not someone writing you a manifesto.






the monkey wrench gang by edward abbey
this one is fictional and about a group of folks out west who pick up monkey wrenching (sabatage) in the name of environmental protection. its good stuff, not 'educational' but a fun read and one that sort of lets you delve into issues of justification of our actions.


doris (anthology) by cindy crabb
a complication of zines and its so great. the way its written is frank and lets you think about things alot and reflect on your own life while hearing adventures and trials of someone elses life. really good (and an easy one to read a few pages at a a time, or read all night long with a cup of coffee).








nonviolent communication by marshall b rosenberg
this one is sort of akward to start reading. its written in a 'self help' way (or so i imagine) and at first was a little much for me. but the content is really great and i think i took a lot out of it. i think it would be best to read with housemates or friends so you could all practice together, because its such a different way of communicating i feel like i would have benefited from doing that. but even with that sort of awkward not very positive sounding note, i really do suggest reading it.


fighting back in appalachia edited by stephen l fisher

this one is a compilation of essays/articles about resistance in appalachia. i haven't read all of it, but have really enjoyed some of them and feel like its really applicabale and there are lessons to be learned from it. my favorite so far was Racism and Organizing in Appalachia which brought up some really powerful ideas of never avoiding hard topics and always confronting and working against things like racism, even when the cause we're working towards might seem unconnected (because really- it's not).




strange as this weather has been by ann pancake
a really wonderful fictional story that feel very based in reality (and i'm pretty positive it is). a story of a wv family dealing with mtr, and the personal struggles that take place in that process. this book for real made me cry, like really hard.




soil not oil by vandana shiva
vandana shiva is one of those people put into the hero category, so i'm a little prejudice. but, this book takes the time to connect issues of food production with climate change while focusing on environmental justice and the solutions to both climate change, food security, and poverty.







the vulneravle planet by john bellamy foster and the bridge at the end of the world by james speth
both of these books look at the global economic system and how that is leading us towards an ecological collapse beyond our control. ultimately, they both make the case for drastic overhauls of the world as we know it, in order to preseve the possibility of life in the future. they're both really good, and i couldn't decide which one to focus on, so i just went for both. (vulnerable plant is shorter and maybe more accessible)



democracy matters by cornell west
i find cornell west's language a little hard to digest and had to take some time reading this one. but he's an insanely smart guy and really lays out the need to go back to a better and more real democratic way. when i read it, i was also reading assatta, which was a great counter balance.




making things and doing stuff edited by kyle bravo
this isn't really a 'reading' book but a compilation of diy guides. in a way, these are things you can probably find online- but some of them i would never think to look up- and its nice to have things in print. everything from making beer, book binding, shoe repair, dildos and tips for traveling.





there are a lot of things here that are missing. you can see a pretty clear theme- environmental issues- which means that many things are missing. I feel like women/gender, native american and latin american issues are big holes not being addressed at all here. hopefully i'll get better at educating myself, and my post graduation reading list (which is still in the works) can be a good resource to delve into some readings on those issues.

Bikes, Community, and Racism

So in the past two days, I've had interesting interaction involving my bike.

The first one is a really positive one- so I'll start there. The past few weeks, after leaving it outside for a very raining weekend without riding it, my bike has been acting funny. It started by being kind of clinky and then the gears would jump. So a lovely friend of mine offered to help me grease up the chains to see if that would help. It was super cold the night we did it, and since our hands were frozen we only did a little, but it helped. Then a few days later, my grand roommate came inside and said he and his dad oiled it more for me. I guess that happened a week ago or so- but it was really nice of them. Then Saturday night I was telling Bobb how it wasn't even shifting gears at all anymore or if it did it would really jerk me forward in the process. So, he looked at it and found I had a broken link in my chain. I almost freaked out because without a bike I am screwed for transportation. But, it was still ride-able and I had likely been riding it like that for a couple days. And he filled up my tires- which were really low.

Bobb also said I should just go to the bike co-op tomorrow, since he didn't have the tools to take the link out. I had planned on really getting some school work done that day, but went anyway. I had never actually been there before- which seems really crazy because I love that Athens has such a great bike co-op. But anyway, I headed across town the next afternoon (sunday) and found the co-op- and of course- Erik was there to help. He rocked, he showed me how to do it, and then I changed the links (several times, because we forgot to put it in the railer thing and then I broke a few links- so I got lots of practice). The bike co-op was pretty sweet, with TONS of bikes around, and boxes of parts all over the place. It was awesome. And I brought Erik a piece of the spicy chocolate cake I made the other day to thank him for his help. (Giving food I make to people is probably one of my favorite things to do- ever.)

So that was a really great experience. So many people helped me- which feels really wonderful to know I am involved in such a great community, I discovered the bike co-op and its wonderfulness, and I learned how to fix my bike chain. Win!

But then today- as I was riding up town to be at work to send an email about earth month funding things- at 8 in the morning (not my ideal) in the really cold air- I had a really bad experience. Normally, when I ride down Richland Ave I don't exactly receive smiles and friendly waves, but today- was the worst I've ever experienced riding a bike. A car that ended up behind me honked several times and then speed around me. Naturally, we were both stopped at the next light. The woman in the passenger seat stuck her head out of the car and started yelling something. I couldn't hear what, because there was a big truck next to me- but she looked really angry. Then the driver opened the door- and I think my heart stopped. I thought this person was going to get out- and try to fight me or something. Luckily, they didn't. Maybe there was just something stuck in the door or maybe they decided better of it- but either way, the door shut pretty much right after it opened. My heart didn't start returning to a normal speed until the light changed and the car pulled away.


But, see, it's more complicated than just a bad experience with a driver on the road. That I could handle. Sure, it would upset me and I would be a little bitter- but the thing is... the woman was black. And as her head was sticking out the window yelling, all these negative stereotypes came raging into my head. I didn't want them there, but there they were. Making me fearful of the person in that car, more fearful than I would have if they were white. If they looked like me. Then, when the car door opened, I thought to myself there was probably a black man, getting ready to step out of his car and start a fight (the assumption of the driver being a man is also concerning- but one thing at a time). How could I feel that way? What the hell is wrong with me, that because the passenger of that car was black, I was more afraid.

So all day I've been thinking about it. And the thing is, I've just never really been in environments that were very racially diverse. That within itself is something that maybe I should spend some time examining, but that's currently a fact of my life. I live in a monoculture- a white, middle class monoculture. So most experiences I have with people of other ethnic backgrounds are not from actual experience. I've read some books, been to workshops, and had discussions about race. I thought I got it. I thought that overall, I had broken down those stereotypes- those negative portrayals of black people as bad. Those images come at us all the time, be it from the news, movies, tv, or music- they are out there. Unfair depictions of people. I guess no one is accurately depicted in mainstream (any?) media, but the combination of extreme bias with regards to race in the media (and in the general public I guess) and my lack of experience to counter act those messages- they effected me.

I'm not bringing this up because it's easy- or because I want to admit to being racist. But- when that woman was yelling at me- I didn't see her as a person- I saw her as a black woman. And all my misinformed, racist, reinforced, deeply suppressed opinions of what that means- came out inside my head.

I guess, my ability to see that happening is a good thing. I can't really work towards a more just future if I hold onto racist notions without confronting them and challenging them. I guess I'm not really sure how I can work to break down racism- within myself or in a larger context- but it seems like I need to do some exploring to make sure I really address this.

Looks like I have some serious work to do.

a first time for eveything

This past Sunday, I went to my first ever (ever!) regular church service. There was only one other time I ever recall being at a regular church service, and it wasn't regular really, because I'm pretty sure there was a death in the family and someone asked us to go (I remember my mom was there, I don't know who died. I don't know what church it was, or how old I was)

But after spending time in WV and hearing what the Unitarian church woman (leader lady?) had to say about Mountaintop Removal and what ways they were supporting folks working to stop MTR, I thought I should give churches another chance. After all, for a lot of people, church acts as a catalyst for building strong communities, they are know for supporting each other within their church, and they sing together! But, churches also have a bad wrap sometimes, and I think it's one that is largely deserved. So, when I was sitting on a friends couch telling her I might go to a service, her housemate (and friend of mine) chimed in to say he goes, and really likes it. He also told me a bit about the church- about how they often have groups working on social justice issues, they don't preach any one belief system and that they aren't Christians!, they encourage people to leave and decide if the Unitarian church is for them, they have weekly topics on interesting issues, and that he always feels very welcome there.


I added going twice to my Winter Wish List. Twice, because I figured the first time might not be enough to make a judgment call but going at least twice would mean I'd have to go back. Give it time to digest. So, last Sunday, like I said, I went. The service starts at 10:30 am (not even very early!) and the weeks topic was about race- which is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about recently.

I show up, and it's raining a little- which is why I drove. I also drove because I knew it was up in the hills a ways (about 2.5 miles as it turns out, largely up hill) and I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get there. I also had forgotten I had been there before, for a CFI thing. It's such a beautiful place. The building is really neat, all brick with crazy windows of stained glass with tons of trees around. But i walked in- just as it is starting (because- naturally I got lost) and two friends of mine happened to be there for their first time also. Perfect!



We sat together and the services started with people lighting a candle (if they wanted to) for things they are happy or sad about. I liked that. Then the woman who was leading service that day jumped into talking about race. Particularly, she spoke about how racial lynchings were common place, how violence was acceptable, and how it was 'good people' who were participating. She showed photographs and read newspaper articles with graphic detail about people being burned alive, and what happened to their eyeballs. This made it into newspapers.



The part she really emphasized though, was that this was not that long ago. A young white girl smiling at a hanged black man in 1935 (photo above), could very possibly still be alive. She could have children, who could have children, who could have been taught (and likely were) that people of different racial makeups are bad and deserve to be hung. The ideals that allowed this years ago, may not be that far off and are still very much alive. More important, I thought, was the discussion about how socialization plays a big role in what is 'right' or 'wrong.' Churches, businesses, politicians, 'good people' all bought into the idea that black people are lesser than animals, and deserve lesser treatment than dogs. The idea being that in current society, there are things we might not believe in (or maybe do) but if we don't question beliefs or actions and if we don't challenge them, then they remain normal. It becomes acceptable to exploit and kill people or the land.






I don't know how I felt about it really. The service was good, it was interesting, and it made me think. I felt welcomed. I enjoyed singing (once I did start, at first I felt too awkward). But, it was a church. It just felt... strange.


I'll go back, at least once more.