I woke up today with that knot in your stomach that tells you something is wrong. It's not quiet butterflies, because I always think about that as a happy and scared feeling- like when you're nervous but excited- but it feels almost the same. Only it's not from happiness, at least I don't think it is. It's from something else.
I thought a good breakfast, a quick run, hitting the bags around a little and doing so without being late to class would help. Wrong. Still there. So, I've decided it's probably from a feeling of impending doom. Something is going to happen, I can feel it, and maybe it's terrible, maybe it's doom. Maybe it's from the stack of dishes in my kitchen sink or maybe it's the who-knows-when-but-its-for-certain Apocalypse. More likely it's something in between.
Like the fucking G20. After being arrested for walking through a public park at night, I've been dealing with what is often called 'the justice system' in Pittsburgh for several months now. After my December 29th arraignment, I found myself being offered an ARD with 50 hours of community service and 9 months of probation. Oh, that's if my background check clears- which is not super likely (thanks underage drinking charge I never bothered to expunge). Either way, I don't want to take the deal. That's no deal at all, saying 'yes- i am a bad person and i do deserve to have a cop watch over me for 9 months.' No thanks. So then, the simple question- if I don't take this 'deal,' what is the maximum penalty? Oh? I won't know that until my pre-trial, scheduled after I deny the deal. Perfect. Nothing like rejecting a deal when you have no idea what the consequences could be. Oh yeah, and it feels really great to be singled out by the police- as I and one friend are the only ones I know of who have misdemeanor charges and are still held up in court (without filing an appeal that is). Even if that's not true- it sure does feel that way.
Or maybe it's something like graduating. Come June, as I just confirmed with my adviser today, I will no longer be a 'student.' To say I am not excited by this prospect of doing something else with my life would be a lie. I can't wait. I am tired of the way we are taught to learn, what we are taught, and the fact that learning and doing apparently do not co-exist within the 'higher education' system here at OU. But, none the less- I've been in school since I was... 4 or 5. Preschool, Kindergarten, Elementary, Middle, High, College. That is the past 17 years of my life or more I've spent doing this. Studying. Reading, writing, listening, 'learning.' Even if all my intentions for the year or so after graduation work out to a t, it's still scary. What if I find out, being a student is what I'm good at, that doing things and learning from reality is not something I do well. What then? Grad School? PhD? Become a teacher? Shit.
Or maybe it's the fear of loosing people- which no doubt is closely attached to graduating. But graduation or not, this is the longest time I've gone without speaking to my best friend since grade school- it's been months. Since the summer. I miss her, and on top of that I think I miss that feeling of 'no matter what.' My family is no matter what, but can you get that without being kin, without being tied to someone through blood? Can there be people in your life, that no matter happens, they will be there for you and you will be there for them?
Perhaps it's something else that I can't even name. Maybe it's just that the future is unwritten and for the first time, I'm really believing that saying. The only thing I am certain of, is right now. And maybe that isn't even so certain, I don't know. And if tomorrow, a year from now, ten years from now is completely unwritten, then that means someone has to write it. I guess that means me. Which, gives me that feeling in my stomach. I guess I don't know if it's butterflies or impending doom. Maybe both?